i made the fatal mistake

of reading his words in the company of others

and now i am sobbing on the way home as the lights blur past

and i am sitting in the bright light spilling over from the hallway

and clutching at my chest to make things seem real.

my body is here but i am not my body.

his words are turning over and over inside of me

they are more real than the me that is now.

strange and rapturous trance

my world is a dichotomy of him and not him

and as far as i may seem from the former the latter is what does not exist

i wonder

if i could be one of the boys growing up from the ground

which he might have loved

i wonder

what sort of love is in a leaf of grass.

and i wonder why my chest hurts so badly and i feel rough hands in mine

and i wonder why speaking his words makes me forget that i have a voice

a name

that my name is not the same as his.

i wonder what causes his words to stay in my head

as if they were my own young trembling thoughts

i wonder why my heart beats quickly when a face i cannot see

i wonder what is trapped inside these hands.

is it night yet and are you going to scarborough fair

and will you be nearby to sight this brand-new kiss

and will you be nearby when i am wan and sad

and will you be nearby to wash my bloodied heart

and will you be nearby

and will you be

just writing stuff here because google documents will not allow me to print this properly if i dont